It's been a couple of days since I saw xXx: Return of Xander Cage now, and I still can't decide if it's the most self-aware film I've ever seen, or the least. It's either a brilliant self-parody of a Vin Diesel movie or the ridiculous next step in what a Vin Diesel movie is, a knowing nod and wink to the audience or an earnest but horribly misguided attempt to give Vin Diesel a new ensemble action franchise to lead. You could quite easily walk away from xXx: Return of Xander Cage with either interpretation, and ultimately, which it is doesn't really matter - regardless of if xXx: Return of Xander Cage is so bad it's good or just good, it's still a lot of fun to sit through.
The story sees extreme sports enthusiast/spy Xander Cage come out of hiding in order to help the NSA retrieve a piece of technology called the Pandora's Box from a group of terrorists who are also all extreme sports enthusiasts. If that synopsis doesn't paint a pretty good picture of what to expect from xXx: Return of Xander Cage, how about this: the film opens with a scene that sees a footballer successfully stopping an armed robbery by kicking a napkin holder at the robber's head.
It's just that kind of film, and you're either on-board with it or you're not. xXx: Return of Xander Cage would be cheesy if it weren't so committed to doing whatever it wants, whenever it wants - it's an utterly ridiculous film throughout, lacking any kind of plot, character or story logic for audiences to grab ahold of. Not long into the movie, a scene ends with Xander saying he's going to London to get his fur coat - the very next scene opens with Xander wearing the biggest fur coat you've ever seen, happy as a pig in a shit. Neither the characters in London nor the fur coat are ever seen or mentioned again, which is pretty much par for the course when it comes to the level that xXx: Return of Xander Cage is working at.
At one point, one of Xander's team makes the party so good that an assassination attempt can't be carried out. At another, Xander threatens to flush a guy down the toilet, and then later actually does just that.
Vin Diesel is giving the worst performance of his life as Xander Cage, completely failing to sell any of the truly terrible quips he makes throughout the movie, and yet everyone he meets is almost as impressed with him as he is with himself. Every time the film tries to be cool, it's funny; every time it tries to be funny, it's embarrassing. A flirtatious conversation he holds with a character who can only be described as "kinky Velma" is so bad that it's actually unbearable to sit through, the short time they're talking to one another feeling like an eternity. And yet I wouldn't cut that conversation or any of his limp one-liners for the world - they're all part of the continued joke that xXx: Return of Xander Cage may or may not be in on.
And yet there are aspects of xXx: Return of Xander Cage that legitimately work too. Each of the characters that make up Xander's team and their rivals get their time in the spotlight, and even if a lot of the action is lacking - by which I mean, terribly edited shaky cam - it's never unimaginative or boring to watch thanks to the impossibly over-the-top scenarios our characters find themselves in, such as a motorbike chase through the sea or a zero-gravity fist fight in a crashing plane. Even better, there is one short scene towards the end of the film that's actually pretty great, allowing Donnie Yen do his Donnie Yen thing while the camera pulls back a little so we can get a good luck at the choreography. Plus, you can't fault xXx: Return of Xander Cage for its diversity - the main cast span a large range of sexualities, ethnicities, nationalities and genders, making the ensemble the most varied I've ever seen on the big screen.
I have only one genuine complaint to make about xXx: Return of Xander Cage, and that's that Ong-Bak star Tony Jaa is yet again squandered in a role that ultimately could have been filled by literally anyone, an even bigger waste of his talents than in 2015's Furious 7. Everything else - the absurdity of the action, the truly awful dialogue, the gratuitous male gaze that rears its ugly head if there hasn't been an explosion or fist fight in the last 12 seconds - only reinforces all that is both wrong and yet so, so right with xXx: Return of Xander Cage, and in doing so creates a uniquely stupid, overwhelmingly dumb, and yet still very enjoyable time at the cinema. I cannot in good conscience claim that xXx: Return of Xander Cage is anywhere close to being a genuinely good film - but that doesn't change the fact that I can't wait to see it again.
★★★☆☆
1 star, but also 5 stars, for an average of 3 stars.
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